blog . . .

dec.05.24

i woke up this morning and had another panic attack. i don't even know what i'm so anxious about. it just seems to a looming feeling of danger. it feels like i'm having a heart attack every time; i almost vomit every time.
i haven't been to school in 7 days, not including thanksgiving break. i don't know how i am going to be able to go back. i hate talk therapy but i might ask my therapist to put me into a php (partial hospitalization program) as some sort of exposure therapy. i feel an intense desire to be around people but every time someone gets near me (physically or emotionally) i have a visceral and anxious reaction. the last time i was in php it did absolutely nothing. it just felt like a daycare for mentally ill teenagers. everyone tried to date each other and i believe that some of them were lying about the severity of their mental states.
lately, i've been developing a strange disgust for food. i think i've gaslighted myself into it because of someone i know. not only does he want me to lose weight, but he also feels this digsut towards food. i think i subconciously want to be like him and/or someone he'll like. i don't know if i like him romantically, but has shown interest in me... not outwardly saying he wants to date me though (i don't think he does).
this was all written in a sudden spout of motivation. i'm not sure if i'll write again today, but i will continue to devlop my site :)